.png)
it’s not that you’re doing it wrong… it’s that no one taught us how to hold this
When tantrums happen again and again, it’s natural to feel drained.
Frustrated.
Overwhelmed.
Like nothing is working.
And in that state, many parents fall back on what they know:
What they experienced
What they were told
What seems to work quickly
Not because they want to do harm.
Because they’re trying to handle something difficult.
This is not about blaming yourself
Before looking at what doesn’t help, something matters:
This is not about doing it perfectly.
It’s about seeing more clearly.
Because many of the responses we use…
don’t come from bad intentions.
They come from exhaustion, urgency, or learned patterns.
Common responses that tend to show up
They’re not “bad.”
But in the middle of a tantrum, they often increase intensity:
1. Yelling to make them stop
The volume goes up… and so does the child’s nervous system.
It doesn’t regulate—it escalates.
2. Threatening or punishing in the moment
It may stop the behavior externally.
But it doesn’t help process what’s happening internally.
3. Trying to reason mid-meltdown
Your child isn’t available to understand.
That comes later—not during.
4. Minimizing the emotion
“It’s not a big deal."
“You’re fine."
For your child, it is a big deal.
Not feeling understood often makes it bigger.
5. Comparing or shaming
“Look at how others behave."
It doesn’t regulate.
It disconnects.
What’s underneath these responses
If you look honestly, it’s rarely a lack of love.
It’s something else:
- Exhaustion
- Lack of tools
- Personal history
- The need for the moment to end quickly
And that deserves to be acknowledged too.
Adjusting doesn’t mean changing everything
You don’t have to stop doing all of this overnight.
You can begin with something more realistic:
noticing it as it happens.
That moment when you realize that
"This isn’t helping… but I don’t know how to do it differently yet."
That’s already awareness.
And that’s where change begins.
More supportive alternatives
These aren’t formulas.
They’re small shifts:
- Lowering your tone instead of raising it
- Validating before correcting
- Waiting before explaining
- Holding boundaries without reacting
It won’t always happen.
But when it does… it changes the experience.
There is space for repair
There will be moments when you yell.
When you react.
When you can’t hold it.
That doesn’t define you.
What matters is what comes after:
- Acknowledging it
- Naming it
- Reconnecting
That teaches too.
Small, possible steps
You don’t need to get it perfect.
You can start with something simple:
- Noticing what you do when you’re overwhelmed
- Choosing one small shift
- Allowing yourself to practice
- Speaking to yourself with less harshness
🌿 Free Resource: Tantrum Response Checklist
We’ve created a simple guide that includes:
- Common responses and their impact
- More conscious alternatives
- Reminders for difficult moments
📥 Download the Checklist
(A way to see more clearly, without judgment.)
Closing reflection
It’s not about avoiding every mistake.
It’s about beginning to see them.
Because in that awareness, something new becomes possible:
the ability to respond differently.
And maybe you don’t need to do it perfectly.
Maybe you need something more human:
giving yourself permission to learn… while you parent. 🌿
Y. Vargas. 💬💖
