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This is a question many parents ask themselves in silence:
Am I being too soft… or too harsh?
Doubt doesn’t arise because you don’t care.
It appears because you do care.
And because you want to do it right,
Without losing the connection or losing yourself.
The problem isn’t being at one extreme
it's not knowing where you are.
Most conflicts over boundaries
They don’t come from “doing it wrong.”
They come from having no reference.
Without a clear reference:
- Doubts
- You change your posture.
- You correct on the fly.
That wears you down more than the limit itself.
The scale of the conscious boundary
It's not about labels.
It’s about location.
Imagine a simple scale:
🔴 Extreme 1 — Giving in out of exhaustion
You avoid conflict.
You say “yes” even when you don’t want to.
You promise yourself that “tomorrow will be different.”
🧠 Cost: internal resentment, blurred boundaries.
🟡 Mid-zone — Try to hold
Sometimes you stay within the limit.
Sometimes you overnegotiate it.
The tone changes depending on the day.
🧠 Cost: confusion, emotional exhaustion.
🟢 Extreme 2 — Conscious firmness
The limit is clear.
The tone is stable.
Don't overexplain.
You accompany the emotion without giving in.
🧠 Benefit: predictability and security.
Most parents move around.
They don't stay put.
One day you're strong.
One day you’re full of energy. Another day you’re exhausted.
That doesn't define you.
It describes you as human.
The goal isn’t always to reach the green.
It’s about recognizing where you are.
and know what you need to get back.
The key isn’t to be tougher.
It's about being clearer.
Many parents try to “toughen up.”
when they feel they’re losing control.
But what’s usually missing isn’t toughness.
It's structure.
Structure in:
- the words
- the tone
- Repetition
It’s firmer than any shout.
Self-evaluating without judging yourself changes everything.
When can you say:
Today I’m giving in because I’m tired.
Instead of:
I'm soft.
Something is coming loose.
Self-criticism paralyzes.
Awareness opens up options.
A resource to help you get your bearings.
To help you identify where you are right now
Without guilt or labels,
We’ve adapted one of our most useful resources.
🧠 Conscious Boundaries Scale (Visual Checklist)
A simple tool for:
- To know where you are.
- to understand why
- Choose how to proceed.
[Download the scale]
When you know where you stand, you make better decisions.
You don't react so much.
Don't doubt yourself so much.
Don't betray yourself so much.
And it shows.
To close
It’s not about being soft or firm.
It’s about being consistent with yourself.
And consistency,
In parenting,
It’s built step by step 🌿
Tomorrow we’re going to do something very concrete and creative:
Create your own boundary phrase in 30 seconds ✨
Y. Vargas 💬💖💖
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